In a Wall Street Journal essay, Eugenia Cheng writes that women like herself are usually absent from public discussions of motherhood—childless, though not by choice. "My childlessness is something I grieve every day," writes the 48-year-old. Cheng has had a successful career as a mathematician and author, but she says she never put it ahead of her desire to have children. In her 20s, "the men I met weren't ready." In her 30s, her "social infertility" increased—referring to women who want kids "but can't find a suitable partner and don't want to do it alone." She met her current partner at age 39 and embarked on years of unsuccessful IVF treatments and "too many miscarriages." They gave up after her last pregnancy three years ago "ended violently" and required surgery.
"Lost in the usual media stories about overworked mothers and freethinking non-mothers are women with stories like mine," she writes. "The shame of involuntary childlessness and the sense of failure it evokes leads many of us to keep our pain hidden." The pain may be more widespread than you think: Cheng cites a study showing that 75% of women over 40 who don't have kids wanted to be mothers. Cheng has ruled out adoption, not only because it's "shockingly expensive" but it takes so long she would be in her 50s before becoming a mom. "I know I'm not alone in doing the hard, sad work of figuring out this childless life," writes Cheng. "I just don't want our pain, our stories, to be invisible anymore." (Read the full essay.)
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